Don't Knock the Hawkers

So a lot of my Singaporean readers have been up in arms lately, demanding to know why I haven't written a thing about Hawker Centres... which prompt my American readers to ask why I am talking about a shopping market? There is a little quirk to the corner of my mouth at the American confusion and Singaporean grumblings.

I have waited to discuss the Hawker Centres for two reasons:

• I wanted to visit a few to get the feeling of their general themes and commonalities.
• I needed to be starved enough to actually go and not end up ordering Western Food. 

So let's quickly educate the Americans and other non-Singaporeans reading this post, who of course are asking what the heck a Hawker Centre is?

Hawker Centres are old style food-markets, much like a food court in a mall, but are almost always located in open-air pavilions, where individuals can buy many traditional Singaporean meals (with an even split of Muslim, India, Chinese and Japanese foods). They are considered a pillar of Singaporean tradition and culture and never have I been to one, day or night, that wasn't filled with people dining on a variety of dishes.

When I explain this to people and get a look of confusion I instead point to the food carts that seem to troll the city side-walks of most American cities, selling everything from falafels to burgers. Then I point out the delis, bodegas and delicatessen where we can buy either quick groceries or grab a sandwich. The Singapore government, feeling that these stalls were unhygienic (seriously look inside on and you'd scream!) decided to move them all to one location, where it would be easier to police them and keep them clean.

My first real exposure to Hawkers was Singapore Day in New York in Summer of 2012, when the Singapore government flew famous Hawkers from all over the country into Prospect Park in Brooklyn, New York, to sell traditional Singaporean dishes to the estimated 3,500 Singaporeans who lived in the city. My boyfriend first explained what a Hawker was in vague tone to me. Now looking back on it I do believe in earnest that he enjoys to see me exposed to unknown cultures and ideas, to see me grow and learn with as little guidance or influence from him as needed... either that or he get's sadistic pleasure seeing me flustered and confused!

Here the stalls sell traditional Singapore dishes, like Laksa noodles to Tom Yum Soup to Black Pepper Beef to Almond Bean Curd and all at readily affordable prices. Why pay S$10 at McDonalds for a burger when you could get three times as much at a Hawker Centre for the same? Most consider it be economical to dine at such establishments, for some its the last stronghold to a culture that is rapidly becoming westernised, with air-conditioned food courts and restaurants slowly driving them out.

Hawker Centres seem to occupy this double-standard in Singapore culture. They tend to be located in areas near the less affluent, near public housing or in areas known for their lower-income levels. However they are frequented by Singaporeans of all levels and most will rave its the only place to get authentic local food.

But when you enter one of these establishments you must remember some rules before you really can get into it:

• Hawker Centres are NOT known for their hygiene. The government rewards those stalls that rate favourably with lower rents to incentivize and frequently survey the centres but it is not uncommon to find vendors with a C-rating. When you approach a counter for your meal, its time to enact the blinders. Nothing ruins your delicious meal faster than seeing the disarray of the kitchen behind the counter... and delicious they can be!
• Few Hawkers speak perfect English as a first language. If you don't get one, either point at what you want or speak slowly but never become frustrated, they will not hesitate to call you out for being rude! 
• A smile and thank you can mean the difference between being served with a scowl or with a special treat. Most of those working in Hawker Centres are older (retired Singaporeans tend to live with their children but also like to do part-time jobs to feel useful). A kind word of thanks and understanding can get you a grateful smile from the Auntie delivering your Laska and sometimes, she'll toss in a free coke or a complimentary orange wedge to clear your pallet.
• You don't have to tip, but maybe letting them keep the change can win you some brownie points if you frequent a particular stall. I haven't paid for my lunch-time coke in almost three weeks because the Aunties know I always leave my change in the tip jar.
• Hawker Centres are normally crowded around any meal time. Don't get your food right away, instead find your seat first, have a friend hold your spot while you gather your food and when you return, hold their seat as they do the same. If there is not someone to physically hold the spot, customers will not hesitate to move your things. 
• Never order western food at a Hawker Centre... NEVER! Even if the stall has menu items for spaghetti or burgers or pizza, this is closer to what the Hawker vendors thinks it should be... not what it is. Spaghetti is made with entirely too much butter and they add hot peppers to it! Burgers tend to be dry, since the beef patties are normally cooked too long. I was thrilled to get cheesy fries... only to realize they'd melted slices of American cheese over my fries and then drown it in ketchup... such blasphemy! I have only found one stall in three-months that makes an adequate burger and even then, its only with a lot of leeway I give it to accept such a title!

That is the wisdom I can impart about Hawker Centres. Don't set your bar high, ignore the worse and I guarantee you are going to have some... interesting... food.

Caucasian vs. Chop Stick Conumdrum

So the one odd thing about Singapore that has begun to irk me since my arrival is the assumption that I do not know how to use chomp sticks. All you American's know them, they're those wooden things that get tossed into your Chinese take out bag, along with more soy sauce than is medically acceptable.

I kid... or do I? Cue dramatic music!

But in this case I can say I'm more pleasantly confuddled than irked then. When I sit down to dinner with a group of friends, the waitress place brings our food, say a bowl of noddles, a pair of chop sticks atop each... and a fork with mine. When I was at a food court, the waitress actually delivered a dish with chop sticks, then apologized, took them away and handed me a fork and spoon even though I didn't say a word other than "Ummm, what?" following the encounter.

I know it is glaring obvious how white I am, I mean in Asia, I'm literally sticking out like an albino on a black sand Hawaiian beach. Don't think I have noticed some of the much older and very young Singaporeans just outright staring at me, I instead enjoy to think they believe me as some sort of ghost or paranormal apparition, given my bleached white appearance and blonde hair!

I finally took note to this repeating chop stick vs. fork occurrence when my boyfriend's mother delivered lunch one afternoon, handing him some chop sticks and myself a fork. I instantly and POLITELY pointed out that I didn't need the fork, I could work the chop sticks like any person. I don't think in any way she meant it as an offence, more from the surprised look she gave me I think it instead could have been construed as she assumed I'd be more comfortable with a fork then chop sticks.

She of course obliged and quickly fetched a pair for me. Then as she sat with us, she inquired how proficient I was in the art of dining with chop sticks. I claimed no expert ability to using them, I mean seriously my boyfriend fries bacon in a pan with chop sticks instead of a spatula, so my skills must range down into the some what experienced novice.

But I guess over in Asia, everyone takes it as a accepted fact that Caucasians, especially Americans, are completely void on the knowledge of chop stick usage, along with our inability to speak any language other than English, our love of pop culture and our tendency to invade Middle Eastern countries. However given how widespread the Asia dispora was, almost every city in the world has there own China-town... or like New York City where we also have a Little India, Korea Town and one street that the Japanese are slowly expanding to take control of.

I did however note to my boyfriend's mother following our fork vs. chop stick interaction, how my late exposure to eating with chop sticks came about. During college, after coming back from a bar crawl, the only food establishment open past 2:00 AM in city are the take out Chinese restaurants, you know the one's with the inch thick bullet proof glass between you and the counter and a shielded bank-box they put your money into to get your food. Being as they only provided us with chop sticks and it was too far to take the food home to our dorms which didn't even have a communal kitchen, it instead fell to the arduous quest of learning to use chop sticks without any supervision or example from an experienced expert.

I do admit my first few attempts as a college freshman trying to use these wooden implements quickly devolved into pushing the food around the styro-foam container or shoving it right into my mouth or best of all, spearing an egg roll with one. It took several months before I began to actually use the devices as they were intended to be used.

Today I can use chop sticks.. adequately.. I don't have the dexterity or flashy skills that would allow me to fry bacon, cook meat or pluck a soup dumpling with a marksmen's eye. I however am good enough that a bowl of ramen stands little chance of lasting long, regardless if I'm armed with chop sticks or a fork... and now that I am in Singapore, its going to be chop sticks.

Attack of the Microscopic Millions!

Black specks, that is what I first registered when I pulled the cereal bowl from the rack above the sink. It was when those specks started to bite and crawl over my fingers I realized a whole battalion of ants had become enraged I'd disturbed there morning stroll.

Horrified, that is the only thing that my mind registered and I'm sad to say that foul thoughts sprang up about how my boyfriend's mother goes about her cleaning routines.

That is until I realized something that everyone has been nagging me about since I arrived.

Every time I had thrown something into the trash, washed a dish or left a dirty bowl sitting in the sink, everyone had been warning me to wash it clean as quickly as possible or tie it up in a plastic bag. That includes even stuff you're throwing into the trash itself. Ants in Singapore always find food... ALWAYS!

They are tenacious little things, leave any bit of food out and they swarm the area like the TSA does when a grandma flies with more than two bottles of shampoo.

Just yesterday I made myself a cup of coffee, though I'm a bit odd and actually like my cup of Joe to be cold, so after dropping a few ice cubes into it, I went off to a shower. Upon my return my desk was covered in these multi-legged invaders, scurrying around my mug, over my notebook, hell they were creeping out from under the keys of my laptop.

Seriously, I was dancing around the bedroom, shaking my computer upside down, getting a odd look of concern from the boyfriend's mother.

Now before you say anything about this being a tropical country and anytime you open a window in hot weather, you're inviting in bugs remember that this is in a fifth story apartment in Tampines, an otherwise developed area of Singapore know for its shopping malls, in an air-conditioned bedroom, all the windows and doors closed. These tiny creepers had to have made an almost titanic journey into an largely hostile environment and they showed up in regiment strength.

Singaporeans deal with this by trying to eliminating any items that could attract them. When you finish a container of yogurt, you just don't toss it. Instead you're going to have to wash it thoroughly, replace the top and then you toss it. If you're throwing out leftovers, you tie them in a plastic grocery bag. Don't expect to use the garbage disposal in the sink to get rid of your chewed on food bits, those are a rarity in Singapore.

There are some very simple ways to deter ants from using your home as a food court without having to call an exterminator:

• Cleaning: Clean counters with a mixture of half vinegar, half water. 
• Repellent: Add one tablespoon of a herbal oils like Peppermint, Lavender, Eucalyptus, Tea Tree Oil, Witch Hazel Extract into a spray bottle full of water. Don't use scented chemicals, soaps or cleaners made to smell like them, they almost never contain the real thing!
• Traps: Make ant taps by combining a two cups of sugar, one cup of water and two table spoons of boric acid (Borax). Borax can be found in most grocery stores as a cleaning product but the pure form is preferred  Spread it on a plate or something flat, then put it where you the ants most commonly appear. The result, the ants collect the Borax thinking its food, bring it home, where the nest consumes the poison and dies.
• Lock-down: Seal any holes or cracks in the kitchen/trash area, if you can't afford that or its impossible, rub cinnamon, ground black pepper, bay leaves, salt, chili powder or coffee grounds on the holes. Make it into a paste by mixing in water. (F.Y.I. this can cause mold if repeated too often so watch it!)
• Containment: Buy a trash can with a lid on it. Not a plastic one that comes with a little button on top of it to make it pop open but a real metal one, with a food pedal on it to make it open. If you have to put your weight into opening it, an ant is not going to break through this barrier easily. Get one that can also be easily washed, in case you spill food on it and the ants swarm, you can bathe it in chemicals to drive them away without fear of poisoning your whole family. 
• Beautify: Plant mint, lavender or sage in pots and place near normal points of entry, from vents to windows to sink drains. They look and smell nice, while driving ants away. 

For more examples, check out this site on WikiHow, they have a ton of tips. 

DISCLAIMER: Now remember every ant species is different (seriously, there are 22,000 species!) and while some of these remedies can work to deter some, it can attract others. The easiest way to avoid this is to use the first method I noted, just remove the sources of food that attracts them and be vigilant not to leave scraps.

You will quickly latch onto this form of religious cleaning very quickly once you pluck a bowl from the cleaning rack and find a black swarming puddle go scurrying across the counter! 

Champagne, Midnight Stroller Walks & Plastic Fish Don't Mix

A bus has driven us through the downtown areas of Tampines, into neighboring Simei. From there its a train through to Outram Park on the East West Line that slowly drops below ground as we speed along, and from there to HarbourFront on the North East Line never seeing the rising skyscrapers above us, before finally riding the Circle Line train to Telok Blangah, an out of the way station that drops us right next to a strip mall and a highway walkway overpass.

The time between changing trains has been wisely spent playing a boggle word search type game on my boyfriend's iPhone, to mild success of distraction. The man standing beside us with too much Old Spice helped a bit as a diversion from our traveling, I'll remember to thank him if I ever see him again... yes, I do expect strange, somewhat affronted facial expressions when I do.

Its taken us over an hour but finally we've arrive... time to get smashed at our first night at Singaporean clubbing!

We arrive at our friends and quickly have to sign a permission slip to enter the building at the parking garage guard station, a bulky Indian man and his much older Asian companion who doesn't move from his chair. Both smell of sour sweat, having to sit so long in full gear and uniform, I can't fault their hygiene. After all, two men walking up to the post with a case of beer at the sundown could sound like a bad, Die Hard-esque movie just waiting to happen.

Upon collecting our friends, its now another vehicle hauling along our group, a cab driving us to... a club called the Buttery Factory... don't ask me why the hell its called that... I asked everyone but not a single one could offer me anything but a giggling shrug of confusion.

While still trying to wrap my head around this oddly named club, I nearly trip over my feet when I realize we've arrived in Marina Sands, the most iconic place in all of Singapore. What does this water-front boardwalk have that makes it possibly the most recognizable place in all of Singapore, possibly the world... that would be the grand Marin Bay Sands.

This 55-story casino is three giant towers rising into the air, holding up the Sands SkyPark, a hectare of open air land known for holding the largest elevated swinging pool in the world, well known for its infinity edge, the pool literally pours into oblivion.

My view however is blocked as we queued up to the club, or as all the signs say in Singapore "Please Q-Up" and to add to our confusion of the Butter Factory it appears tonight's theme is under the sea. It has to be one of the few places where Halloween is taken seriously. From bouncers to hostesses to organizers are dressed up as fish, mermaids and everything under the waves. It's always fascinating to see an organizer check your group into its table while trying to balance a full fish-head costume on his shoulders.

Inside the... Butter Factory's Undersea-themed party... the music is both an odd mix of American pop, a sprinkling of K-Pop and even a few remixed... including "Surfin' Bird" or as most people know it thanks to Family Guy's Peter Griffin "The Bird is the Word"... Google that I'll wait... fine, your now distracted by a kitten wearing sunglasses... we will have to continue on without you then.

Waiters serve drinks dressed as sharks, a merman in a skin suit (or a green S&M outfit, couldn't tell it was dark) welcomed guests at the door and foam masks are being handed out like candy to the club goers, a few of the more inebriated ones gleefully wearing them over their fashionable club going outfits.

The clothes worn are no different then what you'd see in New York, though even in the hot weather of Singapore you still see people out in jeans, knee-length dresses and long-sleeve shirts. Its as if the heat doesn't even register. Though a mid-afternoon storm did help to cool down the air, I can still feel the pricking sweat running down the back of my knees and that sticky feeling of your shirt getting stuck to your lower back.

We sit down to our table, said to seat twenty but after getting six of us on it, all the cushions have been filled and we've physically squeezed together in a way no friend should. I find the music a bit predictable and the drinks are not exotic or surprising, so I guess that's what causes my eyes to start wandering and observing the surroundings. Don't roll your eyes! I may not appear so now but I've been tempered and jaded to clubs and party life. I went through my clubbing phase, with such gusto and insanity that it would make the Jersey Shore's collective stomachs flip. Imagine the combination of an MTV Spring Break Special, mixed with the a splash of the raunchier bits of Showtime's Queer as Folk and toss in some cursing and nudity, plus a bit of random and confusing plots courtesy of HBO. Now compress all this into the span of only two years with no breaks, pauses or rehab and you can wonder why I'm barely on speaking terms with my liver anymore.

I'm trying to find something to catch my attention, save for attempting to hear my friends talk over the sound of the music, though our conversations quickly devolve into shouting spit into each other's ears. It's then that I look outside, maybe to catch another glance at the architectural wonder of Marina Sands Casino (so sue me, I'm an amateur architecture buff). Our table is right at the angle where the corner of the building blocks our view. Disappointed I let my eyes wander and then I notice the sidewalks... the sidewalks and broadwalks that aren't crowded with club goers and bar hoppers, but everyday people, predominately people pushing strollers or walking hand in hand with tiny, waddling children.

It's almost midnight and parent's are out taking their kids for a stroll.

I comment at this, more to myself because it is so unbelievable that someone would be out and about at this hour, the usual time that drunken stumbles and falls dominate the sidewalks. A friend happens to overhear me, I'm a bit buzzed on watered down beer so I can barely remember who it was, or even if she was in our group of friends.

"It's too hot in the day to go out," she said, splashing her drink a bit on me but I'm as bad so I don't notice. "When the sun goes down, that's when people come out to play."

And she's right. The sun in Singapore is glaring, usually in a cloudless sky that is only marred by the blitzing fast thunder storms. When walking down the street you last only minutes before the heat or the humidity has you in its talons and your sweating buckets. Its normal to see people detouring the long way around a park, just to stay in the shade, as if they are playing a game of 'Hot Lava' like we did when we were kids. If they are skirting around the edges of a tree's shadow, its normal to see people (mostly women but I've seen a few older men too) to carry an umbrella as a shield against the hot ball of roaring hydrogen in the sky.

The experience is somewhat surreal in itself, though that feeling could be from the combination of beer, whiskey and champagne... which at one point is being all consumed together in the same glass. The end result is a laughing stumble home and my great approval of my first night out clubbing in Singapore.

Update: I've established that my boyfriend's father is an evil genius in the morning, after he started playing country yodeling at stereo-surround sound levels... to the great horror of my hang-over stricken brain.

Forgotten Sleep & 3G Plans

So my first official week in Singapore is almost over and what have I learned from my in my first foray into Asia? Very little surprisingly! Hey, stop being so judgmental! You get over a 12-hour jet lag in four days and see how bright eyed you are! My sleeping habits are already the worse on the planet, I tend to stay up all night, drink a dangerous amount of coffee to compensate and then repeat it to the great determinant of my health.

Also I'm not a morning person... I'm more of if you speak to me before coffee, or get between me and previously mentioned coffee, I am well withing my right to disembowel you while shrieking like a banshee!

So I guess that has been my quest for the week, conquering jet lag in only four days. Now if your on vacation in some foreign land, the thrill of adventure and exploration with the idea that you'll be going back to a hotel who will be catering to your every need can help to squash some of the fatigue. Here we aren't tourists, we are going native... when we are literally in a timezone the exact reverse of at home.

That's right, Singapore is exactly 12-hours difference from New York City, meaning that 1:00 PM at home is 1:00 AM here, meaning why at dinner time I for some reason have the taste for pancakes and coffee instead of the pork/chicken noddles we had for dinner.

Apparently there are a few easy steps to conquer or at least preempt it:

1. Fly west instead of east, you'll be going with the twilight and against the rising sun. Its easier to stay up late instead of going to bed early... I ended up sleeping for 20 out of 21-hours on my plane... very bad!
2. Do over-hydrate, do not over-eat. Eating a big meal makes you lethargic, where hydrating keeps you awake... I think coffee is hydrating... or so that barista at Starbucks tells me when I order my fifth venti non-fat double espresso skinny mocha latte... seriously that order is not made up!
3. Don't go to bed when you arrive, force yourself to stay up... air pressure changes make people tired, meaning that being on that plane actually makes you sleepy! Crafty ploy you lazy stewardesses.
4. Set an alarm, don't wake up with your body internal clock... you body will betray you if it thinks it can get away with it! Sure college keg parties have taught you that your liver is a vengeful bastard when it doesn't get its way but your in control, your brain is the real organ that leads... and the spleen!
5. Try to arrive at your destination at the start of their day, that way you can find distractions for staying awake more readily. 

At least two of these I did correctly... and failed horribly at the other 80 or so I didn't list. I highly recommend first time international travelers to read this posting by Wikihow author Jcomeau_ictx, his article on Avoid Jet Lag is the best I've found and the pictures are hilarious!

So now that we are passed the part on getting over my crappy jet lag what news do really I have to offer you? Well right now its job hunting and getting some local grub to eat... no they don't sell grubs... weirdos why would you think that! 

Holland Village is the local expat area for Singapore, located north to main bulk of the downtown region. Its not officially the expat area anymore, years ago I guess it lost the title as more foreigners moved out to the rest of the island but it still frequented by a far number of westerners... fine Caucasians! This is the first time I've seen so many white people since I got here, sure accents swung all over from French, English, American, that odd-Ikea language they call Swedish. 

And that is the moment I realized exactly why it seems every Asian person that visits, vacations, moves, magically appears in a cloud of smoke... goes right to the NYC Chinatown or/and K-Town. Inside I am actually excited and a tiny bit relieved to recognize product brands and restaurants, even foods that a simple glance at the name tells me what they are, not having to read the descriptions... and then have to ask for my boyfriend to clarify what the hell half the words in said description mean. Instantly I bookmark this place in my head and vow this is my new homesick retreat, where I will be found when my heart aches for some good old KFC or french toast, or nice cold hoagies (again readers that is a cold, deli sandwich).

This thrill of delight is however demolished as I sit down at the table with a group of friends, inter-spliced with native Singaporeans and their foreign-born spouses (a rising trend I and a with a dab of concern, the government, has taken notice to) that I get a text declaring that my phone card has S$0.01 remaining. 

Yep, that S$38.00 pre-paid phone card I bought from M1 not three days before is empty. A slew of curses followed, the kind that would make my Catholic grandmother's good morals curdle in horror if she heard. How much were all have those bastards been charging me for all two calls I've made? I'm fuming when my boyfriend asks what data-plan did I sign up for? I said none, I didn't want data until I could get a real phone contract from SingTel, StarHub or M1... that of course gets him to slap his hand to his forehead. 

"Do you have 3G on?" he asks me, I note to my pertubness, that he is perturbed. 

"Yeah, why?" I answered. 

"Because you never signed up for a data plan, you just bought a pre-paid card," he answers slowly. "If you don't turn off 3G or sign up for the other, the roaming charges will eat through you pre-paid minutes instead... and there goes S$30.00 well spent."

That is where I went wrong, being spoiled on phone contracts my whole life and having a smartphone since they first launched, it never even clicked until it was too late. Because I never specified what level of data consumption plan I was on, M1 charged me for out of my pre-paid minutes. Usually you'd pay one set price a month for 1G to 10G of data... around S$20.00 extra. Because minutes and data are not the same thing... the simple act of checking my email once wiped out everything in less than 30-seconds.  

That was nearly S$37.99 for all 10 MB of data... goodbye pre-paid phone card! I shall miss you!

So pay attention to my cautionary tale. If you want data but no 3G, turn it off... for those that don't know, on an iPhone its under Settings>Cellular>Off. After that you no longer have 3G and you must rely on the kindness of password free WiFi. 

Other than the jet lag and the my self-inflicted pre-paid phone card debacle, the days here are now being spent job hunting. I will try to get out and explore a bit tomorrow, hopefully without the boyfriend's supervision. If you hear about a crazed American being captured and bagged in Singapore as he terrorized the locals, you'll know my attempt was not successful. 

Until next time!

You Speak English, I Speak English, But I Still Don't Get You

It's always interesting to witness people from different countries interact. Often language is a barrier, sometimes a clash of cultures and mannerisms add to the confusion. However, it dawned on me that it could be just as difficult to comprehend one another even when speaking the same language as I witnessed some of Ang Moh's interactions with service staff at the M1 shop and Pizza Hut yesterday.

Sure, I understand that when we speak Singlish, it can be challenging for foreigners to understand, especially since the more 'power' the Singlish, the more interspersed it is with words from Chinese dialects and Malay, e.g., "Can you don't be so kiasu" or "Why is he such a kan cheong spider?" I have to admit that I have a soft spot for speaking Singlish, which I feel fosters a sense of community, especially when engaging in conversation with other Singaporeans overseas.

But yesterday everyone we interacted with spoke English. Yet, I found myself in the interesting position of having to translate English to, well... English!

Scenario 1: The M1 shop

Ang Moh wanted to purchase a prepaid SIM card from the M1 shop in Tampines Mall and spoke to the middle-aged Chinese lady (M1 Auntie) in her 40s about it.

Ang Moh: Hello, I'd like to buy a prepaid SIM card for my phone.
M1 Auntie: Okay, no problem. What phone do you have?
Ang Moh: An iPhone 5.
M1 Auntie: Okay, you need a nano SIM. This costs $18.

[No problems so far. I figure it would be helpful to have the M1 Auntie explain to Ang Moh how the prepaid card system works and purchasing data. I wanted to absolve myself of that responsibility, so I interject.]

Me (to M1 Auntie): Can you please tell us how to use the prepaid card, like topping up the card and using it for data?
M1 Auntie: Ok, sure. After you insert the SIM card you need to dial xxxx-xxxx to activate the card. Then you can make calls. For data, you have to ...

[The auntie goes on to explain the steps required in typical rapid fire Singapore English, hardly taking a breath between sentences. I understand her completely but when I look at Ang Moh he's shaking his head and seems puzzled.]

Me (to Ang Moh): Do you understand?
Ang Moh: Nope!
Me (to M1 Auntie): Can you please explain that again? Slowly?
M1 Auntie: [Sighs, stares at me then begins repeating everything she said again, while looking at me expectantly, as if imploring me to "translate". I stubbornly refuse to translate from English to English.]
Me (to Ang Moh): Do you follow now?
Ang Moh: Yes, I get it. I get it. [But I know he's still baffled and just wants to get out of the situation. I'll have to help with this later that day.]

Scenario 2: Pizza Hut

We were in the middle of our meal when we realized that we were only given one napkin for the two of us. Ang Moh beckons our waitress over to ask her for another.

She's a young Malay girl in her early 20s with the most interesting eye shadow design I've ever seen - two triangles drawn above the sides of her eyes which looked like she had let a circus clown do her makeup. It certainly had the effect of drawing my attention to her eyes or at least to what was drawn around her eyes! Ang Moh likened it to one of those moths with distracting patterns on their wings to confuse predators, which had me cracking up with laughter.

I let Ang Moh do the talking.

Ang Moh: Can we have one more napkin please?
Clown Moth Waitress: Huh?
Ang Moh: One more napkin?
Clown Moth Waitress: [Gives me a confused look. I smile back at her innocently, again belligerently refusing to translate from English to English] Wait, ah. [She waddles away and beckons to another of her colleagues who approaches us.]
Waitress #2: Can I help you?
Ang Moh: We only got one napkin, could we have another napkin please? [This time Ang Moh holds up the one napkin we have and points at it.]
Waitress #2: Oh, tissue. Okay. [Confusion resolved and she proceeds to fulfill our request.]

I would be lying to say I was not amused by these exchanges. Yes, I suppose in different cultures, we sometimes use different words to mean the same thing, and I now recognize that communicating in the same language across cultures requires some learning as well. It's a case of I say napkin, you say tissue; I say wife-beater, you say singlet; I say flip-flops, you say slippers. Why do non-Singaporeans find it difficult at times to understand when Singaporeans speak English, and vice versa even when both are speaking English?

From my observation, it boils down to the unfamiliar accents, speed of communication, and vocabulary. Now I can't wait to witness Ang Moh place his first order at a hawker stall, perhaps ordering a plate of char kway teow!

I'm earnestly rubbing my hands together in expectant delight. Tee hee hee...

Singlish glossary

Kiasu: Hokkien derivative, literally translated as "scared to lose"; typically used to reference someone who behaves in a very competitive manner.
Kan Cheong: Hokkien, Anxious.
Kan Cheong Spider: Term used to describe someone who is very anxious; Spider imagery represents someone with eight hands trying to do many things at one time.

Homesickness & Pizza Hut Pasta Hurts!

Day two has arrived and this one came in with a crashing boom, a flash of light and me nearly falling out of bed thinking the North Koreans had finally grown a pair and done attacked. Nope, its just the early morning thunder storm, arrived just on time to scare the crap out of my jet lagged brain.

That's the norm here for this week, rain so heavy you swear Noah's Ark is going to be floating down the street any second... then snap, not a cloud in the sky and the sun so hot you swear birds in flight will burst into flames... leaving delicious roasted meat to fall from the sky! Thankfully the rain seems to drive the humidity into submission for a few hours... before it returns with a vengeance I doubt few could conceive! I have established that I can no longer wear any dark colors or heavy fabrics because its ability to suck in every ounce of heat in the room... which is cause for concern considering my wardrobe tends towards Earth-tones... well its not totally black! I do have a few blue and green shirts so we can call it Earth-tones instead of Gothic!

Whatever fashionista! Onto the news from the Ang Moh!

Well yesterday I finally got my SIM card to start making some local calls. I'm not going to hand it out here, learned my lesson after I left it in a truck stop bathroom once... it was a JOKE! How was I suppose to know that old joke was 100% true! Beside Jim Joe sounded very nice on the phone...

Anyways, in Singapore there are three major phone companies, the biggest apparently is SingTel, next and almost as common is StarHub and finally little M1 bringing up the rear.

I ended up going with M1 because it was the cheapest one with the best data plan, SingTel was a bit too expensive when I tallied up all the charges. Altogether it came out to be S$45 or $36 in America. Now for those foreigners that don't know, you need to bring two things to the store when you are buying a prepaid phone card:

• Passport (all cards have to be registered with the government with federal level ID)
• Unlocked Phone (You have to get your current service provider to unlock it before you leave, not after!)

Now to unlock you phone its just the matter of calling your phone company before you leave the country. Most of the new smartphones unlock instantly when their contracts go over a year but if you are sporting that brand new phone and going abroad like I was, a simple call to your phone company can get them to unlock it. Just say you are traveling abroad and if that company doesn't have a branch or affiliate in the country of your destination, they almost always sigh in annoyance, quibble for a few sentences, then unlock your phone. Some even (Verizon and AT&T do) will explain how to go about getting a new card for your benefit and give you some tips and suggested Apps to use when calling abroad.

Once you have the card... and in my case get a free umbrella for spending over S$30, its the simple matter of popping out the new SIM card (they come attached in little plastic cards) and inserting it into your old phone. I don't know about most other phones but for the iPhone 5, just look on the right side and you'll see a little pin hole at the midpoint. Just press a needle or a paperclip in and a little draw will drop out and you can then insert your new SIM card. KEEP THE OLD ONE! If you ever go back home getting a new one will just be a waste of money!

Now I have a working phone and a new umbrella... and not one of those cheap compact ones that you can get at the drug store and then lose in your car. This is the old style kind, the ones that can double as a cane for walking... or a cane for hitting! Now I know most people just roll their eyes at these relics, when the smaller pop up kind can be tossed in a backpack or back seat and forgotten about until your caught in a storm and its 50-miles away but in Singapore, after the first rain storm started, you realize how necessary these massive radar dishes can be.

Rain in Singapore doesn't come down in a light dustings, in more clouds of heavy mist than rain. It comes down in boulders, more like being hit by a wave of water then a fleet of droplets. Those little pop up umbrellas may be economical to buy and efficient when you store them in a purse or backpack but against this weather, mother nature shall laugh maniacally as this polyester shield collapses under her harsh hand.

But their necessity doesn't stop there. Most people I've seen here continue to use them throughout the day, to shield themselves from the powerful sun that glares down all day. It's common to see mothers walking strollers with one hand steering and another holding up a massive umbrella, in an attempt to shield both herself and her young ward from any UV contact.

Thankfully I have yet to experience the Singaporean mosquito population, which from what I hear is a plague on everyone... but for which most Singaporeans seem immune to! Oh that doesn't mean I haven't gotten a few stares of confusion when I've gone outside, as if I were covered in tiny red bites. I guess here when compared to New York or Philadelphia, I am a very obvious minority. I mean I'm Caucasian but on top of that I have traditional Irish skin... meaning that I'm the white people of the white people. We don't tan, we just turn into tomatoes with freckles!

I'll chalk that up to the fact that when I left the United States, winter was just starting the long and agonizing break into spring, so my skin is so white right now I'm verging on albino. Maybe its best to ignore the stares, possibly that small Malay lady who nearly walked into a wall while staring at me in the mall was just distracted by the glare of my porcelain skin... like staring into the sun for too long!

Get your giggles out of that because now I have a confession to make... I had some western food yesterday.

Worse yet, I had pizza!

I know, shame on me, but my excuse was that I was looking for something cold to eat. Do you realize in this country how hard it is to find something to eat that's not already steaming hot? I mean its a tropical country on the equator, you'd think there would be a lunch dish that didn't automatically come with steam pouring from it. Hey, ice cream doesn't count! I guess after searching and failing for two hours I was starting to feel the pangs of homesickness, for something... anything that I could eat that didn't require me to blow on.

And that excuse loses all its weight when I end up walking into the Pizza Hut at Tampines Mall. Fine, hiss at me, call me out but at that point I just wanted to eat some food I knew against trying to figure out how to pronounce the names on the menu at the 34 ramen shops down stairs.

I guess my excuse for when this happens is that I also was curious to see what western food in other countries tasted like.

Now everyone who has been to a Pizza Hut in America knows them for their greasy foods, in poor attempts to mass produce the basic Italian meals. I mean if it wasn't for their thick, crispy crusts (my personal favorite), they'd have been an epic failure decades ago. But here in Singapore, Pizza Hut wasn't some take out place with a few tables, the whole place smelling like grease and plastic. Instead it was like a real restaurant  with three different menus (appetizers, specials and the mains), with waitresses dressed in fine vests to seat you and a full bar to grab a cocktail with your greasy pizza. The only difference I guess at dining here was the waitresses don't take your order per say, instead you fill out a check-off card with what you want and at what quantities and then pass it off to the waitress who then will return with your dishes. I got a nice personal pepperoni pizza, garlic bread and a orange mirinda (orange soda) while my boyfriend went with the shrimp pasta, salad and root beer.

The pizza tasted a lot like at home, a lot less cheese but all the same. The pasta however was the surprise, it came with the Aglio Olio sauce, bits of basil and even shrimp... along with hot peppers all over the place. I guess in Singapore, if you can't psychically make it hotter, then you should make it taste hotter. My boyfriend nearly couldn't finish and chugged his entire root beer almost half way through. A single fork for me of the spiraled noodles and I nearly choked it was so spicy!

That's another hallmark of Singapore food I've noted. If a food doesn't look hot (i.e. red and steaming) that means it's going to be far, far more worse for your soon to be burn victim of a tongue!

The day ended somewhat early, after getting my phone setup, lunch and a key to get into the apartment we are sharing with the boyfriend's parents, jet lag took its toll and by 6:00 PM (6:00 AM back home) I was passed out in the bed at home and snoring as loud as the storm that would eventually wake me up in 8-hours... which by the way has now died down enough that the sun has begun to shine through the overcast sky.

Plans today are nothing other than some job hunting but I'll keep you posted!

Sparks fly on the First Day... Seriously They Did!

So its my first official day in Singapore and what trouble have I gotten into in this new land you may ask?

First things first, all those warnings about the humidity were lies... bold face lies I tell you... cause the reality is far... far... far worse than you could image.

Within 20-minutes of arriving at our new home in Tampines, 10-minutes drive from Changi Airport, I had sweated through my t-shirt, jeans and everything underneath. I looked as if I had been out in the morning storm and it wasn't that comfortable kind of wetness that you get after jumping into a pool with all your clothes on. Its that sticky kind of feeling, where your clothes feel like the weigh a ton and are clinging to you like chain-mail.

A quick remedy to this, take the coldest shower of your life and that causes all your sweaty pores to close right up. By the time you've dried and gotten into a nice t-shirt and shorts, the unbearable heat actually feels as if it drops to a more acceptable range. I would definitely recommend avoiding heavy fabrics like knits, denim or wool, they are fashionable death traps! If you are not going to be inside and air conditioned, completely abandon socks unless totally necessary! Believe me, your nose will thank you at the end of the first hour in Singapore!

Next up after unpacking all our clothes was setting up some of our electronics. Now this is the one thing I should mention with EXTREME WARMING! Never plug a surge protector from North America into an outlet in Asia. Even with a voltage converter it will not work! A surge protector is literally designed to dissipate sudden spikes of electricity and it completely bypasses the converter.

The end result is your boyfriend suddenly jumping back from a sparking surge protector, a whine of an electronic origin and then smoke rising from the eight power outlets on the surge protectors face... and then you have one very dead surge protector that will never work again! Just go buy a local one and a few more converters, it will save you from having to toss out a melted piece of smoking plastic.

About two-hours after arriving and one 'almost' fire it was off to the stores for a new SIM phone card, a key to be made and grocery shopping. Driving on the other-side of the road wasn't too much of a surprise, I've been in Europe before and even driven a bit so its not that odd to me. But in Singapore, the traffic is so much faster and more congested that your mind that has been trained to drive on the right side of the street keeps screaming every car is going to collide with you head on! It was like ducking in and out in a crowd and I quickly declared mentally to myself I would never... and I mean NEVER drive in this country.

However watching the motor bikes and scooters snake in and out of the traffic congestion was fun, they were like fish in those Shark Week documentaries, darting around those much bigger bodies without fear of being crushed and seeming to know where every short cut existed on these ever changing streets.

I quickly announced that the moment I had a job and enough money to afford an apartment, I would love to drive one of those bikes. My boyfriend was quick to point out the last time I had just a regular street bike in Philadelphia during college I had been hit by cars no less than three times in a year, with a motor bike he felt as if I was just going to double that number. I was quick to point out that only one of those impacts was with a moving car, the other two had been a parked car and a pedestrian... but that didn't help my case one bit and I conceded... for now.

Back to the shops, malls here are not like the one's back home, where going from one to another to shop means driving in the car for a few miles. In Singapore, its walking across the street! The only distinction between one to another is the fact they lay only a few hundred feet apart, the stores in each are different enough you won't even notice the transition.

We had lunch in a food court like place called East Link. This was no hawker center that I have heard all about, more like something you'd find back home with row table seating. The only difference was that they served only Asian food and my stomach was desperately hankering for a hoagie... for you none East Coast natives that a cold, lunch meat sandwich.

I do not recommend eating duck in front of people, yes the salted and roasted meat is among the most delicious thing I have ever had the chance to sink my teeth into but the bones... that is my one complaint about duck, the bones are browned to the point its almost unnoticeable from the meat and biting into it means chewing about to get rid of them. Don't even think of ordering this dish if you want to present yourself as an articulate and savvy Human being because eating this dish is going to make you look like a dog with a chew toy, all teeth, gnawing and gross, pained faces. Best tip, use a fork to hold down your slice of juicy meat and spoon to tear the bone free. Oh and there are no dinner knives! Cooking knives yes for slicing and dicing, meal-time knives are a nope as far as I saw in this place.

I adore a nice roasted duck with some white rice below it... but never will I again eat it in public!

Once we were done our meal it was back into the crowds of the mall. Now if the streets of Singapore are congested and crowded, the crowds in the malls were worse. But instead here the people were like the motor bikes, the fish darting in and out between the sharks, minus the sharks. In three hours walking about I only bumped into two people, emphasis on bumped, no epic impacts, no landing on my butt, nothing. I even apologized for the hits, they were my fault after all because I kept trying to read every sign but not a person paid it any attention. In NYC, you'd be cursed at, called an idiot, something unsavory about your mother would be uttered and then with a flip of the middle finger before the stranger would disappear down the street. In Singapore, it didn't even register as worth a glance back.

I attempted to buy a SIM card, in order to get a number in Singapore to use in my job hunting. SingTel is the one I'd recommend, they are the most numerous I've seen so far (I've only been around the airport and the east side of Singapore so take my words with a grain of salt) but you can top off your phone card at any drug store like 7-Eleven... Yes, they have those here too! Overall you can get around a card for S$30 (Singaporean Dollars) and every minute costs around S$0.16. Number one thing to bring is your passport. All disposable phones, data plans and/or calling cards have to be registered with the government and a United States drivers license is not enough. Took 30-minutes of hashing out the best phone plan for me only to find out I couldn't even buy it. Well now we have an new errand to run tomorrow!

The last activity of the day was some grocery shopping. Now other than a few things, the grocery store in Singapore is mostly the same as it is at home. Produce section, deli counter, heck most of the items save a few Asian additions is almost the same. There are even a lot of Western brands among the items, I even got a nice slab of Virginia Peppered Ham for lunch sandwiches tomorrow! Of course the one aspect to take quick note of it that some of the prices really swing from the high to low points. A lot of the meats in the deli section seemed very cheap compared to at home... but the confectionary treats... like Ben & Jerry's ice cream... was outright highway robbery!

S$23.00 for one pint... a PINT of ice cream. Don't believe me, here's a picture to back up my outlandish claims!

And now for what you've all been waiting for, I have met the boyfriend's Singaporean parents and they seemed to have welcomed me. I know the concept of two men being in a relationship in this country is probably new verging on alien. Singapore is just around where the USA was in the 1980s and 1990s when people were just starting to come to the conclusion that homosexuality wasn't truly a mental condition or a life choice but something your born with. Now Singapore is a bit of a conservative society and has a long way to go but they have embraced the world of modern media and information with a zeal that would make some people's head spin and they know for a fact the LGBT community exists. I honestly do expect they will go through the evolution of LGBT rights a lot fast than most of Asia, almost certainly at a rate that will make the United States feel some degree of shame over how it's dragged it feet on the issue. Change and evolution is coming and Singapore definitely is a place where it seems to be the fabric of the very society itself.

I will admit I was anticipating some reservation on the parent's part, maybe not outright confrontation or fighting but more of uncertainty at entering into a new situation you have no previous experience with. After all our level of interaction over the last three-years has been limited to a few sporadic Skype video sessions and one totally unplanned encounter in Macy's two-years ago (don't ask, just know irony and confusion were the themes of that meeting).

Perhaps I'll save our interactions for a later post, I want to spend some time getting to know them, to integrate into the family as much as I can before I allow any opinions to formulate.

Well jet lag is setting in and it is probably best I pass out soon, I'm going 38-hours no sleep and must be presentable to the family.

Good night and best wishes from the Ang Moh newly arrived in the Far East!